Suffocating
by killrwhale
Summary: My inspiration based on the new Degrassi promo, on why Clare may be feeling suffocated.


**I got inspiration from the new promo and just started writing. I adore EClare and I really hope that whatever happens in future episodes, they work things out, but I wanted to try and get into Clare's mind as to why she may feel like she needs a break. I'm not entirely sure where this story is going to go yet, or how long it'll be. It probably won't be that long, I'm not really good at writing multi-chapter fics. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.**

**Goes without saying that I don't own Degrassi. If I did, don't you think I'd use my creativity towards new episodes that don't put EClare in jeopardy?**

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Have you ever felt like screaming? For no other reason than to just get everything that's ever bothered you off your chest and out in the open? I have. I felt like the walls were closing in and the only thing to get them to stop was to scream, at the top of my lungs. Funny, that's exactly how this all started. But before I get to that, let's go back to the beginning. Before Eli, before screaming.

My life wasn't always like this. I had a happy childhood. When I look back, I have nothing but fond memories growing up. Christmas mornings spent playing Barbies with my sister Darcey, while our parents sat drinking coffee, lovingly looking on. Sunday mornings attending church, followed by brunch at our favourite restaurant. My first communion. Ski trips with Darcey and my dad. Church retreats with my Youth Group. I was a happy child.

Things started to change when the real world revealed itself to me as a dark angry place. Darcey got stalked by an online pervert. She got roofied and raped while on a ski trip that she snuck out to, which eventually lead to her lashing out at everyone and attempting suicide. While those two things may have been more Darcey's issues, I was having a lot of trouble dealing with the situations. Twelve years old is way too young to have to dial 911 on your sister's behalf because an online creeper has followed her home. And no one should ever, ever have to deal with their sibling trying to take their own life. She went to counseling for a long time, but sometimes I wish I could've gone too.

By the time high school started, I was ready for it! Together with my best friend Alli and under the guidance of my popular older sister, I was looking forward to conquering grade 9. I quickly realized though that things weren't going to work that way. Darcey decided to take off to Kenya to help build a school. As devastating as it is that she's gone, and I miss her every day, I'm glad she went. I know it's something she needed to do to deal with everything she went through. It just sucked that she left me at such a critical time in my life. I also realized that while Alli is my best friend and we've been attached at the hip for as long as I can remember, she decided to make the most of high school, and I don't mean academically. Alli only cared about hair, fashion, make-up, and boys. She was still in the gifted program with me, and she did her work diligently, but schoolwork was definitely not on her priority list. Me on the other hand? Well, it didn't take one of my gifted peers to figure out that I didn't care about any of those things. My hair was mousey brown, always pulled back in a plain pony tail. My fashion consisted of wearing my prep-school uniform. Make-up was non-existent. And boys? Well, that's where we didn't differ so much.

The first was one of my classmates. He was smart, cute, sweet, sensitive. At least, that's what I thought. He was my first real crush, and the boy who made me realize that maybe there was more to life than just studying. I changed myself. I started caring about things like hair, fashion, and make-up. I started to slowly come out of my shell. I started doing my hair in wavy curls, and I traded my uniform in for the leftovers in Darcey's closet. We didn't date for very long, and it ended in my first heartbreak. He left me for one of my new friends, a popular blond cheerleader. It was definitely a learning experience, one that made me realize that grade 10 was going to be better. My transformation started the year before, but this would be the year of New Clare.

A new haircut, new eyes (laser eye surgery) and even more new clothes, I was ready to take on my second year of high school, again with my trusty best friend by my side. I was taking harder classes this year, including Advanced Grade 11 English. That's where I met him. Eli. It was such a blur, a crunch of my glasses under the tire of his hearse, assigned English partners, skipping class, and suddenly I found myself standing in the middle of a crowd screaming at the top of my lungs. I'm still not sure why I did it. He challenged me and I wanted to prove to him that I wasn't the shy scared mousey little girl I was last year, not that he even knew me last year. Maybe I needed to prove to myself. What I never told him though was how amazing it felt to let loose like that. Yes, it was embarrassing. I think I nearly gave the old man behind me a heart attack. But it was liberating, it was exciting, it was new!

While I may have seemed like I had it all together on the outside, on the inside I was a mess. My home life was in shambles. My parents were fighting on a daily basis, and without my sister with me, I was truly all alone. Alli was, well, being Alli. She's my best friend, but she has always been fairly flighty. Eli came into my life at exactly the right moment. He encouraged me to face my parents and their fighting and get to the bottom of things. He got me to open up. Inadvertently, he made me fall for him.

Eli and I, we had a rocky start to our relationship. It seemed like there was always one thing after another. He was constantly getting into fights with the school bully, Fitz. That lead to him nearly getting stabbed at the school dance. I almost left him because of that one. He was dealing with his own inner demons, dealing with the grief and guilt of losing his ex-girlfriend after a really bad fight. It took him a long time to open up to me about that one. Then when my parents got divorced, I sort of fell off the deep end. I started to rebel and I sort of used Eli as a pawn to show my parents up. I threw myself at him. I then found out that Eli has a hoarding problem, brought on by the trauma of losing Julia. That was a turning moment for us. I felt like at that moment, we no longer had any secrets from each other, and we were going to get through everything together, just the two of us. Little did I know how true that statement really was.

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**I hope you enjoyed it! Even if you didn't, please review and tell me what I need work on.**


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